A list of things not to do in the swamp
for the most enjoyable experience and also your general safety.
by Jeffrey Chitek
I’ve taken thousands of people, (of widely varying intelligence) from all over the world into the swamps of Louisiana. Fortunately, no one has been seriously injured, as I am a savant of my craft, but I have seen some slightly troubling and sometimes potentially dangerous actions performed by customers and fellow swamp people alike. Here is a list of some things to avoid doing while in the wilderness of southeastern Louisiana.
- Swimming at night. While Alligators usually restrict their diet to prey under 30 pounds and are mostly reclusive in nature, there is certainly no need to EVER antagonize a dinosaur during their feeding time. They hunt at night. They have been around for 200 million years. Don’t test your luck.
- Don’t wear nice clothes. I have had people show up to tour wearing white shoes and designer pants. What part of SWAMP TOUR makes you want to look cute? Mud does not care how expensive your dress is.
- Do not practice the tuba in June. It may sound like a nice scenic arena to learn a new instrument but little do most know, the open B flat of a tuba is almost unrecognizable in pitch to a male alligators mating call. One minute you’re trying to toot the pink panther theme song, and the next, you are in a mating turf war with a 12 foot reptilian bad-boy. Leave the brass at home.
- Do not drink alcohol. Unless you are myself or another vetted swamp connoisseur, I cannot recommend drinking adult beverages (at least not too many) while on your swamp adventure. Drinking leads to bad decisions and also urination. If at all possible, avoid any activity including exposed genitals while riding on a tippy boat over murky water.
- Do not bring your jewelry/valuables. Swamps are masters of hiding your things and never giving them back. It’s like Davey Copperfield’s locker down there. I have seen too many cameras, phones jewelry (including WEDDING RINGS) and other items fall beneath the murky grasps of the water to recommend bringing anything of worth out there without proper packaging and floatation. You won’t find your stuff once it goes overboard.